Xemnas' Real Death
by The Masked Wanderer
Summary: What if Sora and Riku had used different methods in killing their greatest foe? Pointless and stuid humor guranteed! Rated M for a little Sora/Kairi at the end.


Xemnas' Real Death

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, or it wouldn't have sold the many copies it has today…I think you know why after my writing!**

"Heroes from the Realm of Light…" The gray-haired Nobody's voice boomed loudly. "I will not allow it to end this way-not yet." The two Keybladers were watching him intently, listening to his final pleas. They were stuck in a gray world of nothingness, with no hope of escape except beating Xemnas.

"If light and darkness are eternal," Xemnas continued, "then surely we nothings must be the same…Eternal!"

After a second, Riku opened his mouth. "You're right. Light and Darkness are eternal. Nothing probably goes on forever too. But guess what, Xemnas?"

"That doesn't mean YOU'RE eternal!" Sora finished.

The being once called Xehanort merely chuckled in amusement. "No more eternal than that radiance of yours…" And he closed his eyes, and lowered his head, preparing to strike the youths in front of him…

When he opened his eyes, the boys were gone. Not a single brat was there.

"What the?" He looked left and right. Nothing there either.

The Nobody scratched his forehead in confusion. _Where could they have gone?_

That was when he got struck in the head with a frying pan.

"Yahhh!" Xemnas grabbed his head in frustration. "Damn kids…" He was starting to get annoyed. How much more could he take?

"Bad, boy, Ansem!" Sora was suddenly dressed like a girl, complete with a polka-dotted dress, fake red wig, white leggings, blue heels, and to top it off, eyeliner and lipstick. Oh, and he had make-up.

Yeah.

Xemnas was completely horrified at what he saw. Or at least as horrified as he could pretend to be.

Sora started making feminine gestures and did a stereotypical white girl gasp. "Where are your manners, young man? Don't you know it's rude to leave the table without finishing your eggs?"

"Ughh!" Xemnas had to put his arms over his face. "Have some dignity, boy!"

Sora slapped the older man. "Quiet, you! And to think I carried you for nine months to hear this crap!"

The Nobody slapped Sora in response. "I am NOT your son! You're a GUY!"

"That's no way to talk to your mother!" Just then, Riku showed up. He was dressed like a 1950's dad, complete with a business suit, a fake brown mustache, glasses, and shiny black shoes. He was also carrying a mug that said "World's Greatest Dad" and his hair was all neat and combed, not one strand out of place; his hair was filled with cheap gel from Meijer.

Yeah, that's right, Meijer. I'm talking to you.

Riku threw the coffee in the mug at Xemnas' face. "AHHHHHH!" Xemnas grabbed his burned face and started rolling in the ground. "AHHHHHHHH!" He kept rolling around on the ground, screaming in pain. When he was finished, he got up and removed his hands. His face was now a bright red, and he was barely able to see. "What did you do that for?"

"You must respect your mother. She puts the clothes on your back with all her work!" Riku slapped Xemnas with his free hand. "You're the worst son ever!"

"Grrr…" Xemnas was furious at this point. "I am over thir-"

Unfortunately, by the time he opened his eyes, the Keybladers had changed appearance once again. Sora and Riku were now dressed as Air Nomads, each wearing monk clothes, carrying staffs, and wearing bald caps with tattoos on them.

"Ooh, I am the Avatar! The one who bends all four elements!" Sora said this in a ghost like voice, waving his arms back and forth.

"Ooh, I don't know who I am!" Riku added, dancing the Egyptian while moonwalking at the same time, past Sora.

Xemnas slapped himself once, but it was still there.

"Ooh, we will kill the Fire Lord and save the world, and get laid…" The weirdoes said simultaneously.

Xemnas slapped himself again. Still there.

"DAMN IT!" He cursed.

"KAMEHAMEHA!" Now Sora was dressed like Goku from Dragon Ball Z; his brown hair was somehow dyed black to illustrate this! He was doing a fake Kamehameha, and wearing a goofy grin on his face.

"Not so fast, Kakkarot! I will kill you and get the Dragon Balls to become immortal!" Riku was now dressed as Vegeta, armor and all. His hair was also dyed black and sticking up straight.

The two then began to punch each other. Or, more accurately, Riku-Vegeta was punching Sora-Goku, and Sora Goku was dancing like a gay man in a bar.

Xemnas yelled loudly. "ENOUGH!" He then created an Etheral Blade in his left hand. "I must end this foolishness at once!"

Riku and Sora returned to their original forms, and looked very worried. Sora summoned his Keyblade and wanted to defend himself.

But the last thing that Xemnas saw was Riku holding a sea-salt ice-cream bar in his hand, offering it to him. "Ice cream?"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

At once, the Nobody took the blade and inserted it into the place where his heart was supposed to be.

Both Sora and Riku's eyes widened upon seeing this suicidal act. "Whoa," the idiots said.

At once, starting with his legs, his body began to disappear into nothingness. Xemnas was fading back into the darkness, but not before asking one final question.

"Why…did I lose…to MORONS?"

And that was the end of the Leader of Organization XIII, the last remnant of a man who wanted to become a God, but met his match at the hands of three stupid children and their animal friends.

Twice.

For one hour, Sora and Riku stared at the place where Xemnas had vanished. When their feeble minds had finally registered what had happened, Sora declared, "We did it!"

Riku looked at his friend with anger. "It took you that long to figure that out?"

"But…you didn't know either."

Riku looked away for a moment, then responded with, "Oh…"

But they didn't talk for another hour after that. They just stood there, wondering what they should do next.

It was Riku who broke the silence. "Wanna get some tacos?"

Sora shrugged.

**3 days later**

Sora was lying in bed with Kairi, and both of them were naked. "And that was how we killed Xemnas, and got back home to our world!"

Kairi shook her head. She put a hand to Sora's head, and flicked him in the forehead. "Why didn't you just beat him up, THEN kill him?"

Sora shrugged. "It was just easier to use his mind against him; plus, I didn't really feel like beating him up."

Kairi sniffed. "Okay…" A few tears fell from her face.

Sora put a hand to Kairi's hip. "What's wrong, baby? Is everything alright?"

Kairi shook her head again. "No!" She started sobbing hysterically, putting both hands to her face. "YOU MARRIED RIKU! WAHHH!"

Sora got out of bed and stood on the ground in front of Kairi. "You kidding? I would never forget you! You're the only girl I could ever want!"

Just as Kairi herself got out of the bed, and the two were about to kiss for the 10th time that night, they were interrupted by a crash.

Riku had jumped through the window, by smashing it with his body. "Argh, you must walk the plank for bigamy!" He was now dressed like Jack Sparrow, expect with a piece of salami for a sword.

"In your dreams, punk!" Sora was dressed like Ash Ketchum now, and he held a Poke Ball in his hand. "I choose you…Charizard!

**THE END...until Kingdom Hearts 3D comes out**


End file.
